'good morning , ibu...'

versi bahasa Indonesia di sini

'good morning honey... '
'did they call?'

I shoke my head. she cuddled up in my arms. silent.

'dissapointed?'

she nod

'sad?'
'I'm okay'





***

long before ramadhan, she called me one afternoon when I was still in office

'Ibu, will you buy my the CD of Idola Cilik?'

and the first thing she did was unwrapped it and : 'yes! here it is'
'what?'
'Idola Cilik audition form'
'you want to join it?'
'may I?'

may she? I never wanted to introduce my kids to entertainment world... I supported her to join any singing contest. trembling and watering seeing her performing. heartbeating during announcement. happy to see her shining receiving awards.

'so may I join the audition?'
'what for, you want to be on TV?'
'I want to sing better'
'you can take a lesson'
'I want to have friends. there are no girls in the neighborhood'
'friends you could find there would live even further'

she looked at me. I could see her 'want' was so big, but she didn't know how to convince me to let her join the audition.

'there will be sooooo many participants'
'I know'
'and they sing sooooo good as you've seen on TV'
'I know. and I want to know if the judges in the audition think I sing good or not'

so I let her do. I wasn't as enthusiast as she was. I can't imagine how hard it would be if she makes it. I and Dan both work, and I don't know how to manage time to accompany her to go to Jakarta every weekend.

I believe prayers of a mother is mostly answered. and I don't know which prayer HE would answer. I feel so guilty because at the beginning I wished she doesn't make it, just because I can't imagine the followings...

but I saw her wanted it so much. I can't let my self ignore that. so I went with her to the audition. jostled between hundred, may be thousands other participants. calmed her down when she got impatient. cooled her down when she got tired.

'do you really want to make it?'
'yes I do'
'can you imagine the bustle that might happen?'
she stood still for a second, then said, 'I wish you weren't working'

oh that ambition...

***

'it's six a clock, Bit'
'they said they'd call between six and midnight, ibu. let's just wait....'

after sholat maghrib, she sat on my lap and show me the daily prayers book

'I was looking for a prayer that might make our wish come true'
'did you find it?'

she showed me: a prayer for a wish to come true

'I've read it this afternoon before nap'
'let's read it again, after sholat is a good time to pray'

suddenly I wanted her to make it. suddenly I didn't care if I had to take an off every friday. suddenly I prayed to Allah to give what she wanted. but would HE allow it?

***

21.00

I went to bed holding my cellphone. waiting. at 00.05 I woke up. I might didn't hear the phone rang. so I checked, but there wasn't any missed call. they didn't call.

***

is she really okay?
is she really not sad?
than why my fussy girl didn't talk so much today?
how deep her disappointment is?
have I supported her enough?

GOD, why did I ever wished for her not to make it....????

forgive me, bit.

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