Thursday, October 16, 2008

'good morning , ibu...'

versi bahasa Indonesia di sini

'good morning honey... '
'did they call?'


I shoke my head. she cuddled up in my arms. silent.

'dissapointed?'

she nod

'sad?'
'I'm okay'





***

long before ramadhan, she called me one afternoon when I was still in office

'Ibu, will you buy my the CD of Idola Cilik?'

and the first thing she did was unwrapped it and : 'yes! here it is'
'what?'
'Idola Cilik audition form'
'you want to join it?'
'may I?'

may she? I never wanted to introduce my kids to entertainment world... I supported her to join any singing contest. trembling and watering seeing her performing. heartbeating during announcement. happy to see her shining receiving awards.

'so may I join the audition?'
'what for, you want to be on TV?'
'I want to sing better'
'you can take a lesson'
'I want to have friends. there are no girls in the neighborhood'
'friends you could find there would live even further'

she looked at me. I could see her 'want' was so big, but she didn't know how to convince me to let her join the audition.

'there will be sooooo many participants'
'I know'
'and they sing sooooo good as you've seen on TV'
'I know. and I want to know if the judges in the audition think I sing good or not'

so I let her do. I wasn't as enthusiast as she was. I can't imagine how hard it would be if she makes it. I and Dan both work, and I don't know how to manage time to accompany her to go to Jakarta every weekend.

I believe prayers of a mother is mostly answered. and I don't know which prayer HE would answer. I feel so guilty because at the beginning I wished she doesn't make it, just because I can't imagine the followings...

but I saw her wanted it so much. I can't let my self ignore that. so I went with her to the audition. jostled between hundred, may be thousands other participants. calmed her down when she got impatient. cooled her down when she got tired.

'do you really want to make it?'
'yes I do
'
'can you imagine the bustle that might happen?'

she stood still for a second, then said, 'I wish you weren't working'

oh that ambition...

***

'it's six a clock, Bit'
'they said they'd call between six and midnight, ibu. let's just wait....'

after sholat maghrib, she sat on my lap and show me the daily prayers book

'I was looking for a prayer that might make our wish come true'
'did you find it?'

she showed me: a prayer for a wish to come true

'I've read it this afternoon before nap'
'let's read it again, after sholat is a good time to pray'

suddenly I wanted her to make it. suddenly I didn't care if I had to take an off every friday. suddenly I prayed to Allah to give what she wanted. but would HE allow it?

***

21.00

I went to bed holding my cellphone. waiting. at 00.05 I woke up. I might didn't hear the phone rang. so I checked, but there wasn't any missed call. they didn't call.

***

is she really okay?
is she really not sad?
than why my fussy girl didn't talk so much today?
how deep her disappointment is?
have I supported her enough?

GOD, why did I ever wished for her not to make it....????

forgive me, bit.




PhotoStory Friday
Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek


17 comments:

Cecily R said...

Oh, I am so sorry! This is the part of motherhood that they should explain better. What do you do?

I guess you just love them through it. My very best to you and your sweet daughter.

Weeksie50 said...

Aw, I am so sorry she didn't make it.. I hope it doesn't make her to upset..

Alexandria said...

The poor dear. It's not your fault she didn't make it! You have to realize that. Just as it's not her fault either. She should be proud that she took the chance. She hould be proud that she showed the judges how fearless she was!

latree said...

@alexandria:
I know there are many possibilities, why she didn't make it. may be she wasn't good enough.
I am so proud of her braveness. the fact that I ever wished for her not to make it, that made me feel guilty. I should've prayed for her success since first.
but she's alright now, and I am too. thank you.

Jonny's Mommy said...

What a crushing blow.

But maybe it will give her experience to try again someday.

Don't feel guilty. We all wish things like this and want to take them back.

It isn't your fault. You did the right thing taking her and helping her to follow her dream.

CrackerJacks said...

Just love her and help her get through the moment. Things are always better in the morning.

Please VISITMy PSF. Thank You!

AVT Coach said...

You are a very good mother for allowing her to try, even if she did not make it. You let her stretch her wings, you showed her you believe in her. There will be many many other disappointments in life but she will always know that her mother can be relied upon for encouragment and support. You should be proud!

Triplet Mama said...

Aww, you made me tear up a little bit. It must be so hard to see your child disappointed, let down and sad...I am sure I will experience all those things as my trio grown up. It's part of life I guess. You're dealing with it well, and in time your girl will have learnt something from it and she won't hurt anymore.

Hannah Noel said...

Singing competitions are rough!! I hated them in highschool and I love to sing so much!
Those judges are always overly harsh-- I'm sure she did a great job!

Kelli @ Gohn Crazy said...

You were the most a mother could be and I'm sure she knows and loves you for all the amazing support that you gave her. I hope that she takes the experience as a teaching one and keeps going with her dream.

Rachel said...

your a good mama. you will be there for her and when it does happen it will be perfect!

CC said...

aw! hugs!

Carrie and Troy Keiser said...

Oh Latree! That was sad :(
Sorry Ibit

WheresMyAngels said...

I have chills. This is such a sad post, I also have tears in my eyes. Life will go on and the hurt will be less. I do dislike to see little ones in the spotlight though, so maybe it is for the best.

CrackerJacks said...

Thank you for voting for Kaden!

The Burp Cloth Babe said...

So sorry! Hope she feels better!

Are You Serious! said...

♥ Oh, I'm so sorry for Ibit!!! To be so disappointed. One wonderful thing about kids is that they bounce back quickly! :)