14

we make mistakes, then we regret
we can forgive, but can not forget
still we learn, some things don't deserve our sacrifaction.

What happen to Cinderella and the Prince after the wedding? The fairy tale said the got married and live happily ever after. I hope they do.

Apa yang terjadi pada Cinderella dan Pangeran setelah pesta pernikahan? Kata dongeng, mereka menikah dan hidup bahagia selamanya. Semoga.

'Coz in live I find, marriage is way more than live happily ever after. It is a compromizing ever after. You change. Your spouse changes. Life changes. And after since, life is a never ending adaption. Once you may find it hard, and you make mistakes. Some times you don't realize it at all. Some times you realize it is wrong and try to make it right. But there are times you realize it and choose to ignore...

Karena dalam hidup aku mendapati pernikahan lebih dari sekedar hidup bahagia selamanya. Tapi kompromi tiada habisnya. Kau berubah. Pasanganmu berubah. Hidup berubah. Dan sejak itu, hidup adalah adaptasi tak berkesudahan. Sekali waktu kau merasa berat, dan berbuat kesalahan. Kadang kau tidak  menyadarinya. Kadang kau menyadari itu salah dan ingin memperbaiki. Tapi ada juga saat kau memilih tidak peduli meski sadar itu salah...

As I walk the miles, I know I've made lots of mistakes. The small ones. The biggest one. But sure I wouldn't call this gorgeous young lady a mistake...

Menempuh perjalanan sejauh ini, aku tahu aku banyak berbuat kesalahan. Yang kecil. Yang besar. Tapi jelas aku tidak akan menyebut gadis istimewa ini kesalahan...

...neither these silly boys we often call possums...

...juga dua cowok konyol yang sering kami panggil possums ini...

...neither this lovely boy I can't live without.

...atau si kecil yang aku tidak bisa hidup tanpanya.

And therefore it would be a mistake to call the years we've passed a mistake.

Dan karenanya, adalah kesalahan menganggap tahun-tahun yang kami lalui sebagai kesalahan.

Either we are the drivers, or the ride. One thing is sure, we are the ones to carry on the children to a better life. And so, we should never give up compromizing and adapting each other through all changes along the way... 

Kami supirnya, atau mungkin kendaraannya. Yang jelas, kamilah yang harus mengantar mereka menyambut kehidupan yang lebih baik. Dan untuk itu, tidak sepantasnya kami menyerah untuk tetap berkompromi dan saling beradaptasi menghadapi semua perubahan di sepanjang jalan...

Hope we will always be strong. 

Semoga kami bisa tetap bertahan.


=========================================================
Kisah pernikahan ini diikutsertakan pada Giveaway 10th Wedding Anniversary by Heart of Mine

the present to myself

you who haven't experience this, may find it hard to understand or even imagine what babies mean to a mother. they're everything. I mean everything. if you lost them you have nothing.

they're the one who make you stand through all storms and thunders, burning sun and heavy rain.

they make you strong to bear every pain

they make you tough you can wipe (or hide) your tears

they make you the best actress in the world

they keep your sanity stands when the whole world goes crazy

I'm not talking about you pretending to love them. 'coz no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how you deny; you love them.

you'll give everything you have, and more

you want to always make them believe you're okay

you never know what pain they'll suffer if the found out you're not 

so never mind thinking about a birthday present.

their presence has always been the best present, and hope it will always be.

happy birthday to me.

Only the Good Ones Die Young

Few days ago Ibit told me, one of her friend's 6 year old younger brother was accidentally hit by a motorbike when he was playing around the neighborhood. He got a serious injury and trauma on his head and got a surgery, and was in a comma.

This evening I heard the news that he couldn't make it and passed away.

Right now I'm lying beside my baby and can't stop crying thinking of the poor boy. We still met him two weeks ago when the kids had the Tae Kwon Do examination. He was so cute, and totally fine. Who would think he'd pass away so soon, this way?

I know God only do the good things. And may be that's why He took him. Prayers.

what is wrong?

Today Ar and Ir received the Scout Membership Card.

Ir: they put the wrong picture
Ar: they wrote the wrong name

Ah. It must be so hard to be a set of twins that look so similar.

the name

They look alike a lot, I know. And some times (or often) people get confuse which one is who.

But they are two person with different name.

Last week Ir joined a macapat contest (macapat: javanese traditional singing). They both could have joined the contest but only one student per school allowed. The teacher chose him.

Ir made it to take 2nd place. As usual, every time a student (or school) succeed in a competition, it will be announced on the board.

So funny how their teacher wrote 'Ar' who had took the 2nd place in the contest. I mean, they may confuse calling one. But sending a student to competition should be a certain thing, and recorded; right?

Ir came to the teacher, 'it was me who went to the contest, why is Ar's name on the board?'


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the dozen (a tribute to marriage)

Through wind and rain
Through hurt and pain

Through tears and laughter
Is there a living happily ever after?

Through the storm and thunder
This is a dozen of years.



This is my first dozen of years; with you.

The 'Everything'

If you asked me, who the one I love most in the world is, the answer would be 'Bapak'. My father.

He is my hero. My guidance. My teacher. He shows me directions. He is the one who taught me painting. He 's the best story teller. He's my inspiration. The answer to any questions. He's everything that flows in my blood.

It's breaking my heart watching him grow old losing his abilities one by one. Slowly losing sight, hearing, strength. It's cutting my throat hearing him saying, "I just hope that death comes to me before I become totally blind"

I know the time will come though still don't know when. And I hope we still have much time. Coz I'm not ready; and it's killing me; thinking about losing him...

So I'll just pray for his health. And hope he will not totally lose his sight...

I love you, Bapak.

the blame

would be me
for not taking care of him well during my pregnancy
and it's not enough just saying I'm sorry...

he must have a blood test for thyroid, a mantoux test, and a rontgen for thorax. he might even need a CT scan...
we will be seeing the doctor next tuesday. and I hope every thing is going to be just fine.......

.

it's august 20 again....

pagi-pagi bangun tidur nemu ini
I woke up this morning and found this

di dalamnya ada ini
inside the box I found this

dan ini, hadiah ulang tahun dari Ibit. kupon pijat. semuanya ada 16, satu kupon berlaku lima menit. kata Ibit aku boleh membaginya delapan-delapan dengan Dan. tapi aku bilang, "ini kan hadiah ulang tahun untuk Ibu. Bapak dua saja cukup."

and this, is my birthday gift from Ibit. massage-coupon. there are 16 coupons, each is for five minutes massage. Ibit said I can share eight coupons for Dan, but I said, "this is my birthday present. Bapak will get two, enough."

massage coupon by Ibit. comfort guarantee

****************************************

lalu kulihat diriku sendiri.
then I look at myself.

anak yang baik? bukan. ada saat aku bersikap sangat buruk. dan kadang membuat orang tuaku marah.
a good daughter? not what I have been. there were times I behaved so bad. some times drove my parents mad.

murid yang baik? juga bukan. kadang aku bolos. dan paling males bikin pe-er
a good student? not what I have been. I some times ran from class. and always been too lazy to do homeworks.

istri yang baik? malu kalau mau ngaku 'iya'. ada saat aku masih membuat suamiku kecewa. dan sering banget bikin kesal.
a good wife? I can't say that's what I have been. there were times I upset my husband. and annoy him so often.

ibu yang baik? tidak bisa dibilang begitu. aku masih belum bisa memberikan sebanyak yang dibutuhkan anak-anak. masih sering bikin mereka kecewa.
a good mother? I'm ashame to claim that I have been. I didn't give as much as my kids need. so many times I dissappoint them.

pegawai yang baik? halah, bukan juga. aku masih ada di daftar atas pegawai yang paling jarang ikut apel.
a good officer? ah, not what I have been. I'm still on the top list of employees with most morning briefing missed.

....

jadi apa yang sudah kuberikan selama hidupku? mungkin yang kuberikan belum cukup, tapi aku berusaha memberikan yang terbaik. aku bukan manusia super, aku hanya wanita biasa.
what in the world have I given, through all the years of my life? may be I haven't give good enough, but I always tried to give my best. see I am not a super person, I'm just an ordinary woman.

well, hidup sekarang bukan lagi tentang aku. tapi tentang tiga malaikat kecil itu. alasan aku bertahan. alasan aku hidup. alasan aku tetap berdiri dan berharap masih bisa bertemu banyak hari ulang tahunku lagi...
well now life is no longer about me. it mostly about those little three. the reason I surfive. the reason I'm alife. the reason I will stand and hope, to still be able to meet more birthdays of mine...


Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

tsabitah, I gave the name

a prayer for her to be adamant one. and that's how she grows. her desires are as hard as her efforts to reach every dream she has. how she always stands on her self, helps me. her maturity, teaches me.
agar dia menjadi jiwa yang teguh. dan begitulah dia tumbuh. keras maunya sekeras usaha mencapai setiap inginnya. kemandiriannya, meringankanku. kedewasaannya, mengajariku.

nine years. she has given more than a mother could ever hope for. a never ending surprises from time to time. I couldn't ask. I feel, I couldn't give her as much as she needs. but like when I could only give her 500 when she needed 1000, she tried to fulfill the rest herself. that how it's always been.
sembilan tahun. dia persembahkan lebih dari yang diharapkan seorang ibu. kejutan yang dia berikan tak pernah habis dari waktu ke waktu. hingga aku tak berani meminta. aku merasa, aku bahkan tidak memberi perhatian sebanyak yang seharusnya. tapi seperti ketika aku hanya mampu memberikan 500 rupiah saat dia butuh 1000, maka dia sendiri berusaha menggenapi kekurangannya. selalu begitu selama ini.

she's more than special. she's amazung. to me, she's just so perfect. and that's how she always wants things to be: perfect. she cries when forgot to do the homework… afraid that she might disappoint me when she didn't rank the semester… sad when forgot to shake our hands before school...
dia bukan istimewa. dia luar biasa. bagiku dia terlalu sempurna. tapi memang dia ingin semuanya sempurna, sampai ke hal-hal kecilnya. menangis ketika lupa membuat pe-er… ketakutan aku akan kecewa ketika rankingnya turun… sedih ketika lupa belum salim ketika mau berangkat sekolah…

ah, miss perfectionist, why don't you just be naughty some times?
ah, miss perfectionist, sesekali jadilah anak badung.

happy birthday, Mbak Ibit. I can't be the best mother for you, so let me be your best friend. and you, always be my angel.
selamat ulang tahun, Mbak Ibit. ibu tidak bisa menjadi ibu terbaik buatmu, jadi biarlah ibu menjadi teman terbaikmu. tetaplah menjadi bidadariku.

'good morning , ibu...'

versi bahasa Indonesia di sini

'good morning honey... '
'did they call?'

I shoke my head. she cuddled up in my arms. silent.

'dissapointed?'

she nod

'sad?'
'I'm okay'





***

long before ramadhan, she called me one afternoon when I was still in office

'Ibu, will you buy my the CD of Idola Cilik?'

and the first thing she did was unwrapped it and : 'yes! here it is'
'what?'
'Idola Cilik audition form'
'you want to join it?'
'may I?'

may she? I never wanted to introduce my kids to entertainment world... I supported her to join any singing contest. trembling and watering seeing her performing. heartbeating during announcement. happy to see her shining receiving awards.

'so may I join the audition?'
'what for, you want to be on TV?'
'I want to sing better'
'you can take a lesson'
'I want to have friends. there are no girls in the neighborhood'
'friends you could find there would live even further'

she looked at me. I could see her 'want' was so big, but she didn't know how to convince me to let her join the audition.

'there will be sooooo many participants'
'I know'
'and they sing sooooo good as you've seen on TV'
'I know. and I want to know if the judges in the audition think I sing good or not'

so I let her do. I wasn't as enthusiast as she was. I can't imagine how hard it would be if she makes it. I and Dan both work, and I don't know how to manage time to accompany her to go to Jakarta every weekend.

I believe prayers of a mother is mostly answered. and I don't know which prayer HE would answer. I feel so guilty because at the beginning I wished she doesn't make it, just because I can't imagine the followings...

but I saw her wanted it so much. I can't let my self ignore that. so I went with her to the audition. jostled between hundred, may be thousands other participants. calmed her down when she got impatient. cooled her down when she got tired.

'do you really want to make it?'
'yes I do'
'can you imagine the bustle that might happen?'
she stood still for a second, then said, 'I wish you weren't working'

oh that ambition...

***

'it's six a clock, Bit'
'they said they'd call between six and midnight, ibu. let's just wait....'

after sholat maghrib, she sat on my lap and show me the daily prayers book

'I was looking for a prayer that might make our wish come true'
'did you find it?'

she showed me: a prayer for a wish to come true

'I've read it this afternoon before nap'
'let's read it again, after sholat is a good time to pray'

suddenly I wanted her to make it. suddenly I didn't care if I had to take an off every friday. suddenly I prayed to Allah to give what she wanted. but would HE allow it?

***

21.00

I went to bed holding my cellphone. waiting. at 00.05 I woke up. I might didn't hear the phone rang. so I checked, but there wasn't any missed call. they didn't call.

***

is she really okay?
is she really not sad?
than why my fussy girl didn't talk so much today?
how deep her disappointment is?
have I supported her enough?

GOD, why did I ever wished for her not to make it....????

forgive me, bit.

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

any girl would have fallen in love with you easily

any boy would have never had a thought of me

but you saw in me what they didn't
and you gave to me what they wouldn't

nine years together
would it last forever?

for the love in you
I love you.











Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

friends

(I promise Diana from forgetful one to write about this, dedicated to all my bloggie friends)

are those who are there
through good times and bad times

to laugh with you
not to laugh at you

to cry with you
not to make you do

I thought friends were
just people around me
those who I can hear
those who I can see

but come here and take a look
who are they who come to visit me almost everyday
in my imaginary home?

I can't touch them
I never heard them
but still they are real
ones I hope I'll have a chance to meet
someday
someway

best husband

that would be my hunny bunny

I love my parents

they never celebrate their wedding day

they don't even care about the date, I guess.

but they've been together since 1968

mereka ngga pernah merayakan ulang tahun perkawinan

mungkin malah ngga peduli tanggal berapa mereka menikah

tapi mereka telah bersama sejak 1968

my father is a bright one. he's always been so patient. he used to be a painter until something wrong with his eyes. but he sold all his paintings for life. the only painting I remember the last time I saw was in his parents house, tittled 'jaka tarub', but I don't know where it is now. it's so sad nothing left.

bapakku sangat cerdas. dia seorang penyabar. dulu dia pelukis, sampai ada sesuatu terjadi dengan matanya. tapi semua lukisannya dijual untuk hidup. satu-satunya lukisan yang sku ingat, aku lihat terakhir tergantung di rumah orang tua bapak, judulnya 'jaka tarub', tapi sekarang juga entah di mana. sedih, tak ada satu pun yang tertinggal

he took me hunting, fishing, play tennis. he taught me drawing and painting. and I believe from him I got my brain.

dia mengajakku berburu, memancing, main tennis. dia yang mengajariku menggambar dan melukis. dan aku percaya, darinya aku dapat otakku

my mother was so beatiful, and still is. she's not as patient as father but she' always cared about us, her children, I knew. she used to be a singer, a dancer, and a gym atlet. so I know where I got those abilities from.

ibuku dulu cantik banget, dan sekarang juga masih. tidak sepenyabar bapak, tapi dia selalu menyayangi kami anak-anaknya, aku tahu itu. dia dulu penari, penyanyi, dan atlet senam. jadi aku tahu pasti dari mana aku dapat semua kebisaanku sekarang.

she is a strong woman, a very strong one. that made me, at least not become a weak girl

ibuku wanita yang sangat kuat. ini membuatku, paling tidak, bukan menjadi wanita yang lemah.

2 has become 21

2 sudah menjadi 21

I miss them

aku rindu bapak ibu..

beautiful pain

if only I could turn back time
I'd go to when you first said your name and I said mine
and I'd choose not to talk to you
or even look at you
'coz what following it after
are things which make me suffer
...
beautiful pain.

parallel

Live in reality
stand your ground
take your destiny
realize where you belong

I can’t live a parallel life
coz it has a tunnel between
for me to pass through
from one to the other
and it connected both in anyway

Settle down

I've been feeling so lazy to write anything these last few days. Many things happen, but mostly things I can't tell. Heart and head are full of thoughts. Confusion.Fidgetiness.
I just learned many things of how I should live alife. Things I never really cared.
To be patient.
To understand people, and not always ask people to understand us.
Not to rush.
To control our selves.
Not to determine a thing.
To flow like water in the river.

Happiness and sadness come to make our life colorful, and there's nothing to worry about.

INSTANT

ugh...

Beberapa hari ini bener-bener gak punya waktu buat ngintip Dandelion-ku. Tiap hari melototin excel, ni mata sampai garis garis rasanya.
These last few days I really got no time to peak my Dandelion. All I do everyday is looking at excel, my eyes sees stripes wherever I look around.
Pengin banget berkreasi dengan wajah blog-ku. Nyobain ngubah html, nambah ini itu. Tapi bener-bener.... Itu kan butuh waktu dan kesabaran. Bisa ngintip aja udah lumayan. Makanya segala sesuatu di blog ini aku pake yang instan dan siap pakai.
I really want to do somthing with my blog page. Try to change html, add this and that. But really, it takes time and patience... I'm lucky enough to be able to peak a little. That's why I only use anything instant and ready to use.
Sama juga masalah masak. Aku banyak pake yang instan. Biar cepet.
Cooking too. I used a lot of instant stuffs.
Bikin nasi goreng... pake bumbu instan. Bikin pecel, sambelnya yang siap pakai. Nggoreng ayam, andalannya bumbu instan. Paling parah, kl udah males bener masak apa-apa: mie instan.
Frying rice, chicken... instant spices. Making pecel, use instant sambel. The worst, is when I really don't want to cook anything: instant noodle.
Aku tahu itu nggak bagus. Tapi mau gimana lagi, aku tak berdaya...(pembelaan yang buruk)
I know it's not good, but I'm powerless (what a bad defence)

The Date

This is for Sunday Scribblings.

The day that changed my life
would be the day I got married
When I started my very own brand new life
With the man I loved, and love more each day

It has made my life more beautiful
colorful
filled with happiness and blesses

I swear